iDumb

Written November 2008
by Cliff Feldwick

You really hate to whack on people when the end result turns out well, but sometimes the road there contains a few bumps that should be noted. Who knows, someone might learn something (OK – doubtful, but hope springs eternal).

I recently acquired an iPhone. This was a step – I am a techno-wienie, but my mantra has always been “keep it simple”. My old phone was just a phone – no camera, no texting – and was pretty reliable, even if it did have a bad habit of calling people from my pocket even when it was “locked”. Not something I recommend, by the way – besides the minutes used while people at the other end yell “hello!” at you, there are some conversations that shouldn’t be shared. I also had one of the world’s oldest Palm Pilots, with no facilities for collecting e-mail on the road. But again – keep it simple. This may grow from the part of my business that involves cleaning up computers where people have added so many bells and whistles that nothing works at all anymore. Indeed, when I do write my “Top 10 ways to screw up your computer” column, the #1 will be “let your teenagers use it when you’re not working”. After three weeks of their downloading ring tones, screen savers and other neat things from dubious websites, it should be thoroughly trashed.

But I saw the new iPhone and it looked great. Decent internet capability via satellite, full e-mail, an address/phone book that synchronized with Outlook, maps, etc. And I must admit that it is smarter than I expected – the map function reads a GPS to see where you are and lets you choose an address from your contacts list, then develops a map to there, with step by step turn directions and little maps. Pretty nifty. Lots of little intelligent touches.

Let’s not be influenced by the stupid habit of Apple of calling everything in the store an “iSomething”. Besides the iPhone and iMac and iPod, most of the accessories have an iName. In one on-line parody, there was an item that combined an iPod player with a toilet paper holder. Yes, it was called an iPoo.

So I was enjoying finding things about the new toy when I went to the Renaissance Festival one weekend. It happened to be the weekend it poured most of the time, but a plastic poncho and a determination to enjoy it anyway went far – until I answered a call in the rain. That did it – the kind of black screen that lets you know immediately that things are going badly, followed by an occasional appearance of an Apple logo in the middle. Pushing the wake-up button did squat. OK, I’ve got a 15-day-old phone that appears to be dead.

Head immediately, still muddy, to the Apple store in the mall. Yep, busy, busy, busy. There’s a “concierge” waiting at the door, headset attached, who hears my lament and immediately tells me they’re full up on technical help appointments for the day but would I like to try for during the week? Excuse me – this is a business that needs a phone and an appointment book. No, this week is not OK. Would I be willing to go on “standby”? Yes, certainly, and meanwhile I can talk to a “specialist”. I explain the situation to her and the response is (I’m not kidding here): “Oh, you’ll have to buy a new iPhone. You can’t get them wet – they’re sensitive electronic equipment”. And, pray tell, exactly why would I do that? Do a lot of people spend $200 every 15 days or so replacing them?

Perhaps it was the look of incredulous disbelief on my face, but she got the manager immediately before I had to say anything. He, being far enough up the food chain and smart enough to be manager, immediately authorized a replacement. Meanwhile my “standby” turn came up and I was helped by a sympathetic technician who set up my new phone. It has had one incident since where the iPod part went into skipping, like an old record gone bad, but otherwise seems OK. I’m holding my breath.

So, here’s some advice: when you’ve slipped off the road in the rain and desperately need help, try to remember that, even if five of the six letters of iPhone are “phone”, it is not. It is sensitive electronic equipment. Treat it gently and keep it dry - maybe it needs a little iUmbrella? Maybe an iBaggie? Or, since its “sensitive”, an iTherapist? For true protection, maybe an iCondom?

I’ve learned my lesson. I’ll stay in the car, upside down, protecting the phone.

OK, enough. What does this have to do with things that maybe Apple could learn to make “the experience of owning an Apple” better?

First, don’t try to put people off till “during the week” when a standby appointment opens up in 30 to 45 minutes. I’m here, I’m upset and wet, and you need to take care of someone like that. Not everyone will be as quiet in a crowded store as I am.

But most importantly, the first words from the person who is “helping” you should never, never be, in essence, “you’re screwed”. Maybe you are, and maybe you will have to buy a new iWhatever, but that kind of introduction to their customer service does not bode well. The technical people at Apple are great – I have taken lessons at their Genius Bar and have been truly impressed. But their iWorkers need to learn a little customer relations. Maybe a lot. And you, thirty-something-with-a-short-blonde-ponytail, should be the first in line for iClass.

Cliff Feldwick is president of Riverside Computer Consultants, and does PC troubleshooting and network setups, when not making stupid iJokes. He can be reached at 410-880-0171, or at cliff@feldwick.com.